Kyle’s 2007 Halloween Safety Tip List.

All right, well since Halloween is tomorrow. I thought I’d make a list of my 2007 safety tip list for kids. 

#1. If someone invites you inside their house or vehicle; Get in! Do you want candy or not, fucker? Yeah..that’s what I thought.

2.  Don’t wait for your parents to check if it’s safe to eat. Why have them ruin your fun? They are the same parents that grounded you for a month just for saying “Crap”. Think about that one, shithead.

3. Don’t bring a flashlight. Be a man, would you also like a nightlight to go with your bedroom? Dumbass.

4. Don’t bring a fake sword if you’re a ninja. Bring a real one. What if some retard comes up and tries to steal your candy? what self-defense then, moron? Bring a real one. Not only can you slice his head off as he attempts to steal your candy, but you can steal his, too.

5. Don’t wear light-colored clothing. Would you rather have someone slam on their breaks because of you and wear their tires out? What if they drive home later, find out their tire traction is shit and crash? At least if you get hit, depending how bad, there’s a slim chance of survival. Even if it’s slim

6. If your costume doesn’t fit cause it’s too big, good. No one wants to see the fat-fuck you really are behind that XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL sized costume.

7. Walk in the middle of the road. If you walk on the sidewalk and a drunk driver swerves and hits you, you’ll end up 40 feet away in the middle of nowhere and have to walk for help while your leg is dangling off. At least if you get hit in the middle of the road, chances are is that you’re going face-first into the windshield but hey, on the brightside, you’re already inside the car and therefore there is no need for transportation.

8. Approach places you don’t know and that are dark. Would you rather keep going to the same houses every year, dumbass? Go somewhere new, even if you later find out that it was a pedophile, the mystery of the unknown makes for a better Halloween. If not, you suck.

9. Don’t walk, run instead. No one wants to wait for your stupid friend that has to keep stopping every 5 minutes to tie his shoes. Don’t let this asshole ruin your fun, maybe his parents should look into velcro instead.

10. Cut through peoples lawns. Who gives a shit if El Perfecto next door has new grass? cutting through peoples lawns is faster and easier. If you still don’t follow this advice, you suck at life and need to go back to Beverly Hills you goody-goody rich bitch.

That is all for my 2007 Halloween Safety Tips, couldn’t think of anymore because to be honest, they don’t get much better than this.

I hate annual festivals.

I went to the Fort Erie Friendship Festival with Stephanie last night (don’t ask why it has Friendship added in there, like anyone gets along now a days anyway).  It absolutely sucked, although I may add their french fries were awesome.

I don’t get why I go to these festivals…or should I call them SHIT-FESTS. They suck. You go there, pay $24 for 20 tickets only to go on like three different rides, get an earache because of the fucking stupid carney yelling into his little megaphone thinking he’s cool while you sit there and think “damn, I wouldn’t mind jamming that thing down his throat” and also get bumped into by little spoiled, obnoxious kids.

Why don’t they make a sign “No kids allowed” at these damn things? and I define “kids” as anyone between the ages of 4 and 13.  They don’t deserve to go. They are mouthy, loud and annoying. They should be seen, not heard..on second thought, how about not seen at all? I know I wouldn’t mind.

I also wouldn’t mind beating the piss out of these little turds. Everytime you go on a ride and some little kids happen to be on the same one, they kill the whole moment with the “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…HI MOMMY!..LOOK AT MEE!!!!”

Stupid kids.

I’d actually be surprisingly happy if they screamed that but made it a little different…something like this..

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ..HI MOMMY! LOOOK AT ME….AS THIS BIG FUCKING ROLLAR COASTER CRASHES” *ride then crashes into a tree, then it goes silent*

I am serious, they should make a “No Kids Allowed” sign for these shit-fests.

Oh wait, I have already made one. With the help of my lovely girlfriend Stephanie, I may add.

Who is the dipshit that created long distance?

I was calling around for Taxi’s in my area one day to get a fare on how much cash it’d cost me to get from Point A to point B.  I decided I’d call Port Colborne Taxi since you know..I do live near Port Colborne as it’s down the street pretty much.

 As I called Port Colborne Taxi, that stupid annoying operator came on and said I must dial 1 first, and my first thoughts was “What the hell, it takes not even 10 minutes to drive to Port Colborne. Hell, you just drive down this same highway for about 5 miles and you’re there and this is considered Long Distance? Who is the shithead that created long distance? I hate Bell, I hate phone companys and I HATE THAT STUPID FUCKIN VOICE AUTOMATED OPERATOR!

 Then, after all of this, I decided to call a St. Catharines taxi company since the place I wanted to go to was St. Catharines. Ring Ring. The call is working! I couldn’t believe it.  The call was working? I thought. Wait a second …. ..I just called Port Colborne and that skanky operator told me it was long distance but sure enough, I call St. Catharines and it’s not?! are you fucking kidding me?

I’d like to know who the dipshit is that created long distance.  Take a look at this map, the green arrow is where Sherkston begins (my town), the red circled area is Port Colborne just incase you’re too stupid to read. And the red block is where St. Catharines begins.

Does that make any sense to you? It’s long distance from Sherkston to Port Colborne but not from Sherkston to St. Catharines. How retarded.

I’d like to meet the dipshit that created this BULLSHIT. And if I do, I’m going to strangle them with my phone cord. Ironic? I thought so too.

I also hate phone represenatives.

Look at this moron

Chapters represenatives are shitheads.

I called Chapters bookstore today because I was wondering if they had a few books I was interested in. I thought that since I’m going to be in downtown St. Catharines anyway I might as well call Chapters to make sure they had the books so that I could pick them up while I’m there.

I call there, it rings a few times and then some lady picks up the phone, I tell her I’m calling to find out if she has a book I’m looking for, she asks the title and who is the author of it, fine..I tell her. THEN, she has the nerve to put me on hold for 5 minutes! just to type some shit into her computer. While I’m on hold (here’s the reason why I hate being put on hold while calling stores) I can hear the shitty music playing in the background. I don’t remember who it was or how the lyrics went, the only thing I do remember is having the biggest urge to rip my ears off of my head.

I was confused, I called to ask if they had a few books I was interested in. What I DIDN’T call for was :

1.  Be put on hold for 5 minutes

2. Listen to your shitty taste in music and want to physically abuse myself because of it.

3. See above

 After all this chaos happens, she comes back and says “I’m sorry but the book you’re looking for doesn’t come out until April of 2008.  What the fuck? if it’s not going to come out until April of 2008, why have the book on your website, you phony frauds? So you can keep people waiting and get their hopes up that they’ll be able to buy the book they want? Assholes. Nice bullshit promoting job there.

I move onto the next book, she says it’s out of stock and I’m like “when will the next stock come in?” and she says that they won’t be having another stock with that book come in. Again, their websites has the book and it says it’s 34% off. What the fuck am I going to save 34% on if it’s not even there? Morons.

Finally, the last book I ask for…she says they’ve never had the book in their store.  Again, you had the book on your website and even marked it down,  34% off.  WHY THE HELL MARK IT DOWN 34% OFF IF YOU’VE NEVER EVEN HAD IT? I’m going to assume they put this on their website to try and look cool that they have the book but in reality they don’t.

When I do get these books I’m looking for, I’m going straight to Chapters and I’m going to smack these fools upside the head with my books and laugh in their face. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has a had a problem with dunces like these.  And judging by this picture, I’m right.

You’re not in love, and you’re not cool.

Countless number of times I’ll be on MSN talking to some of my friends when I happen to see some moron sign on with a new girlfriend or boyfriend and already in their screen name they have “I love you *insert name here* sooooo much.”

 Here is an example. Meet Katelin, my friend’s ex girlfriend. She just started going out with this guy named Brendan..take a look.

 

Notice the  “ILY BRENDEN!!!” part? Bullshit you love that kid, you just started going out. Nice try though, you presumptious skank. I’m going to correct you, you mean “I LUST YOU BRENDEN!!!”

Also, what the fuck is up with the capitals and three exclamation marks? trying to make your point? I’m sure Brenden boy got the point after the first one that you lust him.

Now, me on the other hand.  I tell my girlfriend I love her, because I infact do and not just “think” I do. Besides, we didn’t even tell eachother that right away. I’ve been going out with her for 8 months..not 8 minutes or 8 hours like these fucking rodents.

I’d be embaressed to call myself one of their parents. They need to be slapped upside the head..no wait.. I know exactly what they need.

 

Private profiles are dumb.

This is another thing about MySpace which is dumb. Private Profiles. What is even stupider about it, is that when you’re browsing through people or searching people and their name comes up and where it says “Here For” they have “Friends” put in beside it. Why stupid? because, what the fuck is the point in having a private profile if you’re searching for friends.

Incase you don’t know what I mean, I’ll give show you. Take Donna for example (lets call her Dumbass Donna) Now, I’ll first say that I don’t know Donna,  I was just in the mood to make a blog about private profiles and told my friend to link me up with a private profile.

 

See what I mean? how the fuck do you expect to get any friends when you’re being a pussy and setting your profile to private. Never thought of that, did ya Donna?

 I also sense that private profile’s are a show of insecurity. That’s still not a legit reason to have a private profile. Everyones profile’s should be viewable to anyone. That way, mean people in the world (mostly me) can laugh, heckle and point at the losers with only Tom on their friends list.

When I think of a private profile, I think of one of those Rich Bitche’s that have a gate in the front of their house.  Basically the same, because in order to get a good look at the house, you have to go through the gate. I’ll provide an example :

 (Note: The “PRIVATE PROPERTY KEEP THE FUCK OUT!!!” was added on by me,lol)

 Get the drift? both are very insecure.

 Tom should make it so noone can make a private profile. It’s retarded.

 That is all for now.  

Freakin’ old people get on my nerves.

Yup, so I’m working with my brother-in-law at some old shit’s house on Saturday. We were there making this lady a new garden. I’d first like to describe this old bitch, she must be about 4 foot tall, mid 60′s, has a VERY high regard for herself, opinionized and has an ego like no other!

 Anyway, back to what I was saying, lol. We get there approximately 9:30 AM, after going to the Rice Road Greenhouse because Jeff had to get top soil dumped into the back of his truck. She’s waiting outside and the first thing she says is ‘somebody slept in’ and I’m like “I was up at 5:45″ and she’s like “Yeah well why weren’t you here then?” and I just laughed.

 So, Jeff starts measuring where her new garden is going to be and I’m just standing there waiting for him to get done and she says to me “Kyle, you’re like my 13 year old grandson, if you don’t keep him busy he’ll just stand there and do nothing” and I’m thinking “Yeah? I could kick your grandson’s ass, how do you feel about that?”

 Jeff is done measuring after about two minutes and he wants me to rototill inside the measured area. So,  as I’m about to start this lady goes to her backyard, gets a bench and puts it where I’m working and watches me the WHOLE TIME! as I’m just getting the thing started she says “I’ve heard it said that nothing is more fascinating than watching work” so I laugh nervously and I’m thinking ”Lady! now you’ve got me convinced you’ve got serious issues. Watching work?! how exciting! just as boring as watching paint dry. Get a dayjob!”

 After I’m done rototilling, I get the rake and start raking the grass out where I rototilled. She comes up, grabs a rake and says “I’ll show you how to work Kyle” and I’m like “Go ahead” but really thinking “fuck off, we’re the ones suppose to be doing the work. That’s what you’re paying us for now go inside and watch your stupid soap operahs”

After I’m done raking all the grass out, Jeff and I start to take wheelbarrow trips of soil to put into the area where her garden will be. After that is done, she says she wants me to come get her two-pieced cement bird bath and put it in the middle of the garden.  As I go to pick up the pillar of the birdbath

 

She says “no no! don’t pick that up, it might be too heavy for you. I carry it around all the time..but than again, I’m a work-o-holic. I’ll carry it for you or I’ll get Jeff to.” I didn’t listen to the fuckin’ crackhead and carried it anyway. It wasn’t heavy, maybe 20 lbs and I was thinking “Lady, if I flexed for you right now I’d give you a stroke.”

Than she wanted us to put railroad ties at the back of her garden.

The railroad ties were located in her backyard behind her shed. They were heavy.  About 6 foot long, and awkward as hell. Jeff and I were kind of struggling to carry them because they were wet which made them more heavy and than she’s like “I carried one of those all by myself to my deck” and I says “haha, yeah??! who helped you?” and she says “no one” so than I’m mad because it seemed like she’s trying to compete with us so I’m thinking “fuck off, you carry it if you’re so strong. Wanna armwrestle right here and right now? lets go, wrinkles.”

About an hour later she wants us to dig up her plants and put them in the new garden, as I plant one after another, she takes a few steps back and says “it’s not even” and I’m thinking “picky, picky, picky…this pourage is too hot, this pourage is too cold….this pourage is juuuuuuuust rightt”

What annoyed me about it, is that everytime I dug a hole to put her plants she’d be like “make sure to put the earth (she meant dirt) around the plants nice and compact”. It was REALLY annoying that she kept saying “earth” I felt like saying “IT’S DIRT!! DIRT DAMNIT, GET IT RIGHT”

After we were all finished she was pissed off that all the plants weren’t spaced out evenly and she kept trying to fix it and she was freaking out. So Jeff is like “That’s why you should have just stayed in your house all day, let us do it and stop trying to do it yourself because that’s how you end up dissapointed. And besides, flower beds are not suppose to be evenly spaced out. They are suppose to be all jammed together, that’s how it looks nice. Now, if you want, I’ll come back Monday and do it all over again if you’re not satisfied.”

Well, that’s basically it, lol. Watch a piece of work she is, huh? I thought so too.

All for now.

Paris Hilton : What a phony bitch!

Incase you didn’t know, Paris Hilton was arrested on DUI suspicion. CNN.com has full details

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) — Celebrity Paris Hilton was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence early Thursday after “driving erratically” and failing a field sobriety test, police said.

She was pulled over in Hollywood about 12:30 a.m.

“She exhibited the symptoms of intoxication,” LAPD spokesman Irv Isabella said, reading from a written statement.

The DUI charge would be a misdemeanor. Hilton has been released on her own recognizance and is scheduled to appear in court at the end of the month, at which time she will learn if she will be charged.

Elliot Mintz, Hilton’s publicist, said Hilton was not intoxicated. He said she had “had one drink” and hadn’t eaten all day, and the field sobriety test showed “the very absolute lowest reading you can possibly get to warrant being taken in.”

He added that she had been up late working on a music video, in the second day of shooting.

“Of course these matters are never to be taken lightly,” said Mintz, who noted that it is “unfortunate she was behind the wheel of a car even with one drink.”

“It’s her first offense and hopefully it will never happen again.”

Mintz said sister Nicky Hilton and Nicky’s boyfriend, actor Kevin Connolly of TV’s “Entourage,” picked Paris up at the police station in Hollywood, according to The Associated Press.

In June, Hilton had a fender-bender accident when her Range Rover backed into a car in a parking garage after a shopping trip, AP reported.

 Later, Paris Hilton was sentenced 45 days in jail. My first reaction was like “45 days!? THAT’S IT?!” I’m serious, this bitch is no good to have as a role model as some grade 7 girls like to invision her as. 

As she arrive to court, Paris was carrying something totally different than the past.

 

Look at that! Can you believe this shit!? that’s right, folks. This is Paris Hilton carrying a bible.  I could not believe my eyes when a friend of mine sent me the link to a page titled “Paris Hilton: Please God, save me from jail”. Now, consider this…this is the fucking bitch that is well-known for her infamous Sex Tape that leaked onto the internet.  And now that she’s shown “good behavior” her sentence is slashed to 23 days.

Unfuckingbelievable.

MySpace addicts

Ever go from profile-to-profile on Myspace because you have nothing else better to do and happen to stumble across one of those morons (aka ATTENTION WHORES) that have their default picture of them standing infront of a mirror? Incase you don’t know what I’m talking about.. I’ll show you an example.(Note:  The ”LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!! I………AM AN ATTENTION WHORE!” was added on by me to make a point about these morons, lol.)

 

Now…take a look at this picture. Can you quite honestly tell me with a straight face that this girl did NOT get all dressed up for this particular photo? Yeah..that’s what I thought, too.

 The sad, bizarre truth is that these people that are that addicted to MySpace get dressed in their nicest looking clothes, get their camera and stand infront of their mirror and pose and for one reason only : MySpace.

 Believe me, you think this girl was thinking “Oh..I haven’t got any recent pictures of me, I should get one”? NO!, the most likely scenario was that she was on the internet (again..MySpace most likely) when she realized she is getting sick and tired of her original MySpace picture.

 And, she was most likely wearing just normal pants and a t-shirt when she suddenly went out of her way to get her favorite jeans, shirt and those ugly ass glasses that are the sized of an Alien’s eyeball  she’s wearing.

Kind of sad, isn’t it? lol. I thought so too.

Well, that is all for now.